The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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