So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Randomize
