I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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