so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
