I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
