My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
