im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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