There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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