I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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