At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
