Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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