kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Text me some of your sweat
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
