my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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