Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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