I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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