There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
