These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
