my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.