Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
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fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
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You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND