You smell like a Billy Joel song
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.