does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
