i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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