I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
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What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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