i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
me + whiskey = a bad person
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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