Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
