i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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