I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
