Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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