dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
from now on my penis is your penis
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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