I am full of burrito and curiosity
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
