On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
