hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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