me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
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You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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