i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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