we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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