I checked into jail on foursquare
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
