addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
