i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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