Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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