I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
