thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
