the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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