Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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