You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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