you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
