I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
