I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
