so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
