Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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