you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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