1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
