ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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