I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This can only be settled by a dance off.