the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
