Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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