I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
