oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
